Why the Shift from Doing to Being Restorative Transforms Relationships

Picture this: you’re in charge of a school garden. You’ve got a hose, and every morning, you turn it on for ten minutes. Maybe it’s on a timer—efficient, right? You water everything evenly, check the box, job done, and move on.

This, to me, is the difference between doing restorative and being restorative.

The Shift That Matters Most

In schools, we often talk about restorative practice like it’s a tool—or a script to be pulled out when something goes wrong. And sure, those structured processes (like community conferencing or circle scripts) have their place. But if we stop there, we miss the heart of the work.

Being restorative is about how we show up every day. It’s not just a strategy—it’s a disposition.

Here’s how I see the difference:

Doing Restorative	Being Restorative
Transactional – applying tools	Relational – embodying values
Neutral/cool, efficient, quick	Warm, empathic, patient
Robotic, scripted	Organic, curious
Isolated conversations	Contextualised, ongoing presence
Externalised	Internalised
Reactive	Responsive
Intentioned to fix	Intention to connect

Misconceptions Worth Unpacking

As I’ve worked with teachers, leaders, and support staff, I’ve noticed a few common myths that can hold us back from fully embracing a restorative mindset:

“Restorative is just for when something goes wrong.”
It’s actually most powerful when used to build relationships and culture long before harm occurs.

“Restorative means being soft.”
Not at all. It’s about holding high expectations and offering high support. Firm and fair.

“You have to follow a script.”
Scripts are useful training tools, but real connection comes from being present, listening deeply, and responding authentically.

“Restorative conversations take too much time.”
Yes, they take time upfront—but they often save time (and relationships) in the long run. After all, we honour what we value with the gift of time.

“It’s someone else’s job.”
Every adult in a school can be restorative—in their own way. It’s a shared culture, not a job description.

“Restorative practices add more to our overcrowded plate”
Restorative practices don’t add to the plate; it is the plate. It’s the culture holding everything together.

“There’s no data to support it”
With strategic, long-term implementation the impact is measureable. But what are you measuring? Disciplinary data or relational wellbeing?

So… How Do We Be Restorative?

Let’s return to the garden.

Think about Jamie, a student who’s been late to class all week and seems on edge. The hose approach is:
“Jamie, we need to have a restorative chat. I’ve noticed you were you late? How does this impact your learning? My teaching? The class? What will repair things with everyone? What will you do next time?

Tick, your job is done. Until Jamie is late again. Maybe next time you have a little less patience, you’re a little firmer.

The gardener approach?
You notice the pattern. You pull Jamie aside with care and warmth:
“Hey—you’ve seemed a bit off lately. I’ve noticed it’s hard for you to make it here on time. What’s up? You okay?”

You ask, but you also wait. You listen. You don’t push for a fix—you build trust. When it is time to address the behaviour, there’s ground to stand on. That’s what makes the difference. A plan is made to support Jamie, expectations are reset. If Jamie is late again, you both know what will happen to warmly support or correct the behaviour.

Practical Ways to Tend, Not Just Water

If you’re wondering where to start, here are a few simple, restorative habits to build into your everyday practice:

1. Check in—before you need to

• Greet students and colleagues by name.
• Ask, “How’s your morning been?” and mean it.

2. Be curious before corrective

• Pause before reacting. Ask yourself: “What might be going on beneath this behaviour?”

3. Notice the micro-moments

• Relationships are built in hallway chats, lunch duty smiles, and patient redirections.

4. Reflect on your presence

• How’s your tone? Your posture? Are you creating safety and respect, even when you’re firm?

5. Invest in follow-up

• After a tricky moment, check in again. It tells students: you still belong here, I still care.

Lastly, lead with empathic curiosity by asking some good questions, listen closely, and check in.

• Are you feeling … because you need…?
• I am guessing you feel … because … is important to you?
• This sounds upsetting, I’m sorry you’re going through this
• This feels messy/tricky/difficult right now, would it help if …?
• Help me understand what what’s going on, is it that…?
• Let me see if I understand … is that right?
• I get the impression that …, is that it?
• Tell me about that, and then what …?
• Let me see if I got this… is that correct?
• What I heard you say is … did I hear right?
• I could be wrong, I don’t know everything, but I wonder if …
• I’m sorry I don’t see it the same way, I hear that frustrates you
• I wonder if we tried …, would it help?

Final Thought: Watering or Tending?

As educators, we’re under pressure. Efficiency matters. But when it comes to relationships, ticking the box isn’t enough.

So I’ll leave you with this:

Are you watering… or are you tending?

And what would it look like, in your role, to shift from efficiency… to connection?